Hindi na ako magaling sumulat sa wikang Filipino.
Totoo palang napupurol ang balisong sa labis na paggamit.
Hinasa ko ang dila sa Ingles; bagkus kulang ang alam sa wika.
Pinatay nang paunti ang lumang kaalaman.
Nabuhay muli; nais bumalik sa dating gawi.
Sandali lang, aalis, babalik. Aalis muli.
Hindi ko wika ngunit alam ko ang ibig sabihin,
Hiniram ko, hindi naman sa akin.
Pinababalik ako, hindi ko alam ang daan.
Yung lumang bigkas ko, nahaluan ng k’wan.
I’m not good with words. I tend to forget some definition of words I thought I knew were easy to comprehend. I grew fond of using words that are too generic, too common. I wonder if I fit right inside the world of adults and grown-ups. I, myself, am actually part of the adult world. I try my best to cope up with others’ ways of living. I thought everything would be easy once I get everything settled. Being a grown-up is a start of a dilemma. A new stage means new problems and harder decisions. Children wants to grow up quick. I rebuke.
Speaking of children, I did not really enjoy my childhood. I grew apart from the outside realm; I did things with the aid of my peers. I leeched out their efforts to make me happy. But I never made them feel special having a kid like me. Today, I act like a big toddler. No wonder I always get scared trying new things. I really need to change; for good.
Growing up isn’t a good thing, I presume. Hate towards one another, battles about technical things that the adults think would be “good” for children. That’s the placebo. They say being one with the adults is a good thing. The only thing I can’t comprehend is that they keep on thinking about the worst of the possible things without caring about how they view their own lives like the things they have missed doing, the things that made them smiled up to the stretch of their cheeks, the moments they shared laughter and sorrow, the days they saw the break of dawns and the return of sunsets, the life they thought to be the best thing they got. Withered with the flowers, they hope only for nothing. Even if they think about the children, avoidable still is their worries and fears. Being a grown-up really is a committed relationship with the perspective that the world is a miserable place to be in. Plagued is the mind of an adult who thinks the world only belongs to themselves.
For the young ones, whom I left when I turned eighteen; a point in life which adults claim I’m one of them, be reminded that through your veins run the next hope for the future. Time will be wasted if only you value the moments you currently are. See you soon, when you decide for me to reclaim you. I’d love to hear your stories. Share them soon.
Thank you, dear.
I’d rather stay awake for a moment before the real moment of somnolency attacks my eyes. I believe that knowing everything will turn out fine before I close my little eyes would give me the sweetest dreams. Even though there are times that my ears received the dreadful words, the horrid whispers, the formidable incantations of the imagination, I still prefer to listen. Hope is never mine to hold on, it only begets more fear. I can still hear the moaning of a beast when I sleep. I can’t see the monster. I can sense “it”. We all got one. The silence is its scream. The nightmare it brings at night is the bloodiest. My mind is never abandoned by fear; a fear brought by this behemoth.
I thought everything will be fine. The monster is death. In death, will find more answers. In death, will bring redemption? In death, sleeping with it makes no noise.
Sana sa paggising ko kinabukasan ay wala na ang problema ko. Lagi ko na lang buhat ang mga pasanin na hindi ko kinahiligang sundan ngunit napipilitan ako. Aking gamot sa utak ang kalungkutan, pighati, pagdaramdam at pagdurugo ng puso. Saan man ako magpunta, may mga taong ayaw akong makita. May mga taong gusto akong makasama ngunit pinalalayo ko. May mga taong umaasang babalik ako sa dati kong diwa at pag-iisip. May mga taong binigo kong pasadya nang maramdaman nila ang gusto kong ipamahagi sa kanila: Ang aking buhay.
Nais kong makita pa ang araw na may galak at pasasalamat sa buhay na pinagkaloob sa akin ng mundo. Walang kakahantungan ang aking buhay maliban sa pagbalik nito sa lupa. Kung ang buhay ko ay isang kuwento lamang ng isang taong walang matinong paninindigan, puno ng pighati, walang kasayahan; sino pa ang nasa kabila ng mga ngiting walang sabi?
Bakit ako nag-PolSci kung wala akong alam kahit isa sa mga bagay na kakabit nito?
Sana nga tama ang pinili ko.
Dati kapag nagba-bagong taon, lagi akong nagpapanatiling gising. Ayaw kong ma-miss ang mga kaganapan sa araw ng 31 ng Disyembre. Mukhang hindi ko masisira ang kinagisnan. Iniisip ko nga kung aabot ako sa puntong magdamag akong gising nang dalawang araw. Iba pala ang pakiramdam ng pagiging isang labing walong taong gulang na ‘matanda’ na. Mukhang walang pagbabago. Pakiramdam ko pa rin na ako ay isang labing-apat. Nagbabago pala talaga ang pagtanda. Akala ko magiging masaya pala ang lahat. Hindi pala.
Ibalik niyo na lang ako sa 1999. Salamat sa isang makabuluhang taon, 2013! Ngayong 2014, isang mature at progresibong awtor ng blog na ang magpapamalas ng kamalasan.
New year comes around telling lies about myself. Though it’s telling more than that. A truth concealed within a truth screams with anguish. I can sense false accounts bear my name on their little heads. My life in the next year called me through my dream. Said I was sick with lies and hopes. I can never be as happy as before. Growing old, realizing new horrendous things that corrupt me.
Tomorrow’s change of time means tomorrow’s terror begins. Acting scared as if someone’s dagger has my throat on its blade. The horrors begin when my nightmare awakens. Sleep now. A day more will bring the new year.
I woke up early in the morning. I thought I was the one who woke up earlier. There’s coffee on the table. I can feel its warmth passing through my palms as I hold the cup. It has been days since I left the house. I’m a prisoner of my own home. As I take a sip on my coffee I was reminded that my friends spent their holiday with their happy faces, with their expressive feelings flowing through their veins; while me, estranged from the whole world and not knowing what’s up with the trend of others, felt the saddest tone on my throat. It will be a few days, the classes will resume. I’ll see my professors, my class, the ones I’d never feel so close to me. I’m cold. I have many things to look forward to. There’s an assignment, there’s a task untouched, there’s a work unfinished, there would be my dilemma. I just want to get away. Away from this world.
Umalis tayo palayo dito sa kinatatayuan natin. Magtago tayo mula sa kanilang mga mata at lakbayin ang himpapawid na kakalimutan ang oras at alaala ng kahapon. Ang buhay ay sandali lang kaya’t halina at umalis tayo palayo. Ikaw ang kailangan kong isama. Ako ang iyong gabay, ang iyong kasangga at magbabantay ng iyong kaligtasan. Pupunta tayo sa mga pangyayaring gusto mo, sabihin mo lang at susugurin natin ang pagkakataon. Sumunod ka lamang.
Maraming taong ayaw sa aking hangarin. May mga suliranin akong bitbit. Mayroon akong magulong nakaraang nais takasan. Iyon ang dahilan ng aking pagparito; ang iyong kaligtasan mula sa iyong pagkaguho. Ang magsisilbing karamay sa problema, ang aking kasama.
Tumakas na tayo!
Kailan ba makikita ang tunay na sarili? Hindi ko malaman kung bakit ganito ang mundo. Kalaban ko ba? Kakampi pa rin? Sinong dapat kong panagutan? Kasama kita upang tuklasin ang mga kababalaghan ng daigdig. Salamat, kaibigan.
I thought every Christmas was fun and exciting
Until then, all music was glorious and thrilling
Even the sounding choir and holiday spirit bloomed
Then every face became smiling once more
But as every year pass; as of the cycle of seasons
I see gloom turned to reality in people’s faces.
Colors faded and happiness began to disappear.
It’s when reality kicks its way in.
It is horrible, seeing the real world as my mind grows
I grow older and older, seeing more of the truth
There is more than the real stuff than Santa’s hood.